Where Mary Is—A Pilgrimage of the Heart

We were planning to go on a family pilgrimage to several holy places, including Lourdes, in the summer of 2021. A global pandemic and brain cancer canceled that journey before it began. Once we received Jon’s diagnosis, a pilgrimage to Lourdes would have felt more than appropriate. But the state of the world—and the state of Jon’s health—made travel impossible. Flights were out of the question, let alone crossing an ocean. Even short trips, were difficult beyond words, though we did our best to take the trips and make the memories aware of how precious time was, uncertain of the time we had left. 

I prayed quietly that somehow Lourdes would be brought to us.

Lourdes is known throughout the world as a place of pilgrimage, where people come seeking healing through the intercession of Mary, Mother of God, Our Lady of Lourdes. Each year, millions travel there praying for healing of mind, body, and soul. Many return home carrying small bottles of water—healing water—drawn from the Lourdes spring—water meant to be shared, passed hand to hand, prayer to prayer. Shared with those who are in need of a miracle. 

That was one of the ways Lourdes came to us.

Throughout Jon’s illness, we received several bottles of holy water from Lourdes—brought or mailed by friends who had been on pilgrimage there and from other holy places as well as many sacramentals and gifts from other They sent it with prayers, with love, with the quiet hope that grace would meet us where we were. It felt like the communion of saints made visible—fellow pilgrims walking with us when we could not walk far ourselves.

There was still a quiet longing for us to go there together.

In the final month of Jon’s life, I asked him a deeply personal question about his mortality. I wrote more about that here. His answer surprised me when he told me he saw Mary standing in our kitchen. Later, when I asked him what she looked like, he said he couldn’t describe her.

For some time, I wondered what she looked like and what exactly he saw—an image, a title, a way to hold that moment, maybe a peek under the veil. But I knew even then that the comfort and peace we received in that moment mattered far more than any description.

I read somewhere along the way, that St. Bernadette Soubirous said something similar when asked to describe the Blessed Mother after her apparitions in Lourdes. St. Bernadette said she was too beautiful to describe. She also once said, “I was not asked to make you believe, only to tell you.”

Both feel important to share here.

Maybe that is what Jon meant when he couldn’t too, beautiful to describe, as peace washed over a man in his dying days. He saw what he needed. I received a comfort I wasn’t expecting but what I needed, watching him find peace as he faced death. If Mary was near, then Jesus was near too. Maybe Jon didn’t need me to believe he saw the Blessed Mother, only that he had to tell me.

For quite some time after Jon entered eternal glory, I asked God to show me some glimpse into the vision Jon saw. I don’t know why it mattered, but I felt strongly it did matter.

For the last few years, I tried to articulate this piece of the story—about what Jon saw. And here we are. So maybe this is why it mattered. Maybe I am not asked to make you believe, maybe my job is only to tell you. 

In time, I began to notice how often Lourdes had already been woven into our story—the holy water that arrived from friends and strangers, the prayers offered from that place for the sick, the suffering, and the unseen. There have been many miracles noted in Lourdes—likely more undocumented than we can begin to imagine. 

If we couldn’t get there, I prayed for Lourdes to somehow be brought to us. And it was and not just with holy water or sacramentals or prayers. 

I prayed for Lourdes to be brought to us. It was.

heather lebano

This became a pilgrimage of the heart. It didn’t come through travel, but through mercy. Mary always leads us to her Son, and we know He holds a special place in His heart for the sick. It was there that I witnessed Jon’s peace and release of fear and worry as he faced his final weeks of life. I am convinced of that, I sensed the peace—beyond understanding—he felt. What I saw in that moment was not giving up, but surrender—a trusting that love does not end at death, and that healing sometimes comes not as cure, but as peace.

In a homily at Lourdes on February 11, 1980, St. Pope John Paul II reflected on what draws people there with such power. He said it is because they know the Mother of Jesus is there—and where she is, her Son cannot fail to be.

That feels true here. 

In the last few years, through prayer, Eucharistic adoration, and winks from above, I have come to believe that Jon saw Our Lady of Lourdes in our kitchen. It would make sense, we were praying—begging—for a miracle when all other human options for healing had run out. 

I don’t say this with conviction or certainty, but as recognition or something my heart came to see slowly, in prayer and silence. By the grace of God, and what I can only describe as a quiet wink from heaven, this understanding settled gently in my heart. I’m mindful that when the Blessed Mother revealed herself to Saint Bernadette Soubirous, she said simply, “I am the Immaculate Conception.”

I hold those details reverently, knowing some graces are given not to be explained, but to be received. My devotion to the Immaculate Conception has long been part of my story—I wrote about her in my chapter in Crowned with Grace—so this recognition did not arrive as something new, but as something familiar. 

It will always remain a mystery—until I enter the beatific vision—who or what Jon saw when he said Mary was standing right in our kitchen that day. I am certain based on his peace he saw something that gave him peace, maybe a miracle or healing that will never documented. Perhaps the greater gift is knowing this: where Mary is, her Son is never far. 

Sometimes that is enough to carry one soul home—and to sustain the ones left behind.

Because today is the memorial of Our Lady of Lourdes, it felt fitting to share a few Marian pieces from the shop for those who hold a devotion to her. You should check out a Lourdes bracelet we created for the shop inspired by her. We have several bracelets including the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and other Marian inspired prints, stationery journals, stickers, tea towels and gifts. I invite you to browse the shop here.